Bondage of Self

We all have our crosses to bear. I know for me I have held myself in bondage to my past for most of my life. It recently hit me, all I thought I hid, God already knows & is ready to forgive me for, and has forgiven me for. Also the people, places & things I have done, I am making progress in my amends, & they know what I have done, so in reality, who am I hiding it from myself? That's not possible! It brings utter sadness & loneliness & bitterness to myself. However, I hold myself in bondage that it has held me in such a paralyzing depression I could not escape. 

Thankfully slowly but surely God is showing me if I confess my sons & turn from those ways (which I have already done) I can be free. 

I cannot change my childhood and the things that happened made me who I am. Never knowing stability it was hard to raise children with it, as I didn't know how. There are so many things in life others assume people know, the fact is if noone taught you, you don't know. 

I have learned that though many would classify my childhood as tragic, it could have been worse. God saved me from so much. I don't blame my parents because I know just as I have done my best and God isn't done with me, they did their best, & God isn't finished with 1 of them yet, God rest his soul for the other. I have learned from their mistakes .

I have learned that though I could have done a better job with my children, I didn't do as bad as I beat myself up for. In talking with them & them sharing their feelings, it wasn't as bad as I feel it was. Of course I would gladly do it with the knowledge I have today, however, I was 18, now 40, big difference. If I did it over none of us would be who we are. I'm proud of who they are, I'm learning to be proud of who I am.

I have learned that every friendship I have had in my life until recently is because people didn't let me go. I let them go because I thought that's what you did. Now I know, that's not the case. I am thankful for the few that never let me go. They taught me whether they realize it or not, I learned how to be a friend because of them. So I can be a better friend today to them and the ones God is Blessing me with. 

I have learned so much about Marriage and how important your mentality has everything to do with making it work. If someone messes up & in your mind its done, it's the beginning of the end. God can change that and 2 people willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with the help of others who have walked before them, showing them what God has called a marriage to be.

My life is in a shift right now. A shift you can't put a price tag on. A shift of what God has called me to be. Happy Joyous, Free. I am so grateful for the people on the journey with me, constantly and those that are no longer in my life. I am so grateful, God has always had it under control & has allowed me to find the answers I needed in the time I could handle them, not a moment before or a moment past could have been more precise. Gods timing is perfect. 

I am not rich or free from regret, I am not suddenly mentally just great. However, I am on the right path. One day at a time, with Gods Mercy & Grace, My Amazing Family & Wonderful Husband and the people God places perfectly in my life. 

Today I am Free and if I keep seeking The Lord I will one day be completely Free, that is my prayer. Money doesn't change your circumstances, learning to live in freedom does. The rest Gods working on in my life. Learning to not live in fear & regret, but in Gods Grace and in Faith.

Blessings ~

Ever Wonder?

Ever wonder what it's all about? 

I have allot lately, wondered why -

Here is what I am learning.

I don't know why I struggle with anxiety & depression as I do. Why some days I can't even leave the house. Most days I have to have someone with me for fear of what, I am not sure. 

I know that God loves me more than I could ever understand, I know he loves my children more than I do and that seems unfathomable to me. He has no grandchildren and he has them in his hands in times I am right next to them or if I am far away. 

I accept I cannot change my past and make better choices and I refuse to blame my parents on their lack of parenting skills. I am daily working on forgiving myself for the let downs of my children. I am human. I accept I am a Recovering Alcoholic, that made me very sick and I made extremely poor choices that effected my Children.However, that doesn't define the Mom I am today, it makes me wiser. Makes me humble, because I know how easy it is to fall for the vision you have for yourself and become the opposite. I believe you can have all the fellowship in the world but until you are ready to take a hard look in the mirror, take the steps needed you will never be free. you will always be on the outside of life looking in. 

I am responsible for my actions and though my feelings are what they are and they often consume me, they aren't facts and if I rely on God and take suggestion, I will get past the feelings and back to the facts.

I'm not one to hold grudges, if you're my friend you always have a place in my heart, even if the season changes, I don't leave people. That also doesn't mean I allow others to walk on me, Boundaries make me learn the lesson and keep on being a friend. I fall short, as we all do, I am a work in progress. 

I have learned that Marriage is nothing I thought it was. Just because you have failed at it in the past doesn't mean that person you chose in the future has anything to do with the past person. That communication, love, patience tolerance and above all God at the center can make your marriage the amazing gift God designed. 

I have learned someone you judge the most may just be the one person that can finally help you get to the other side, of who you are meant to be. 

I believe in Faith, Trust, Honesty, Acceptance, Surrender. 

I believe the best days are ahead of me. For that I am Grateful

*Dedicated to many, if you read this & think its about you, it probably is, Thank you for being a part of my journey*

If you don't feel God, you're the one who moved

As I reflect on my life lately, I truly am grateful for the progress, however I can also see allot of wreckage & I can see patterns I do not like.

In the last couple weeks I have really taken a hard look at my choices and have seen a pattern in myself that I am not happy with. 

Wouldn't you know that's what tonight's message at church spoke to me. 

I believe I cried more at church tonight than I have cried in a very long time. It was more a sobbing cry than a trickling tears cry. 

I look at my life and I see some of the same issues I had 16 years ago when my oldest was 5, now another child is 5 & going through some of the same things. I can see the pattern of walking with God and walking away from God. 

If I try I suppose I can blame many people & circumstances, but the common denominator is me. Therefore I must look at myself. That saddens me deeply, yet it makes me humble to know I can change things if I know what the problem is.

I can see years of destruction brought on in my life because of my own self will run riot. I can blame my addiction. Or I can realize I had choices and instead of clinging to God, I was clinging to people. I have learned ALL people will fail me and only God is the sure steadfast that I can count on. When I walked away many years ago, I remember making a decision to do so, now years later that choice brought so much pain upon my children and my life. I cant go back & fix it, I can't continue to beat myself up., I can recognize it, admit it and make what I can right and move on. 

The day I decided I wanted no God in my life I decided I would not change my mind, pretty bold move to make when in reality it was allot of hurt feelings and failures God had nothing to do with. 

When I met my (now) husband and he was attending church I told him then I would not EVER go back, another pretty bold stubborn move. Well he accepted that and one day took Saedee to the park and wouldn't you know it, one of those church's were there! He came home excited & she was soo excited, he said since you won't go can I take her? I said okay, I remember my older 2 and their love for church and for God. I was still not talking to him. One day I realized if I wanted her to have what they had, I had to go. I went a few times, begrudgingly, a woman in their fellowship got my phone number and wouldn't you know it that woman called me like every week. I was beside myself, why would this woman call me when I hardly went? What did she want from me? Ha, she didn't want anything, to this day 3 years later she has never wanted anything but to be a messenger and though she never preached to me, her actions spoke volumes! Now years later there are a few of those women that just live there life for God and I just watch them, if I have learned one thing fro being in the program (& I have learned allot) it's if you want what they have you'll do what they do. So I have been, watching them, reaching out to them and learning from them. 

I had a Sponsor once say to me, I can see you believe, but I don't see that you have faith, that woman taught me so much., that faith she said I didn't have, she was right., today I am learning how to walk in Faith. It's a slow process for me because Faith means to have trust and its hard for me to trust, I am a work in progress. 

I am grateful for tonight. As usually I am the last one to say lets got to church, but I know I need to be as close as I can to the people I trust the most and they happen to be at church, whether they have time to talk or not, just to see them, brings a smile to my face. Tonight I needed hope so with Saedee sick & Mike with an injured back, I went to church on my own. I cried allot and I found peace just me, God praise music and teachings I felt were designed just for me. I suited up and I showed up and that what I get to do today, my Sponsor reminds me of that often.

So I think what happened tonight, I took my brokenness to the only one that can heal me in the only place I felt I could go and though I have rededicated my life back to God last September at Women of Faith, tonight I sat with God and he sat with me. I felt him closer than I had in years. It brought me to sobbing tears. I know the struggles we are facing today God already has handled and we are waiting on him and putting in the foot work. I am grateful. 

Does that mean all my problems got fixed and life from here on out will be perfect? No, it means I have a God that never left me through childhood when life was tragic to adulthood to today. Whenever someone moves, it must be me because God is the same, yesterday today and will be tomorrow. Looking forward of picking up life on life's terms and seeking him and watching the wreckage slowly but surely fade into a memory. 

I'm grateful for that church that I wanted no part of, I consider home. I am glad when I showed up with my arms closed and was not going to feel comfortable, kind people still said hello and still walked their walk. I'm not one to listen to what people say I watch what they do. 

Feeling ready for what God has in store and I am grateful for a Husband that didn't give up on me. 

4th Of July 2013

Saedee's Dance Performance & Fun!

Happy Father's Day~2013

Father's Day has always been an extremely difficult day for me. I am learning to let go of that & learning today has enough joy & happiness & I don't have to live in that sorrow anymore.

I have raised my older two children to love their Father's despite their differences & the relationship they choose to have with their children is up to them at some point. That I am not responsible for.

Having only had my Father for 3 years I relied solely on my Brother for male influence in my life & I believe given the tools he had to work with he did a pretty great job. He is an amazing Man & I am proud of him & grateful.

I am grateful Saedee's Daddy is just as much of a big kid as she is little & I love watching them play & their laughter & joy & love. He is responsible & a Man of God I am so Blessed.

I am grateful for My Father in law & his strong character & grace. He has blessed my life immensely. He has taught me allot about what a Father is.

My Heavenly Father that I so treasure our relationship & the ways I am learning to lean on him, depend on him & seek him in all things. That relationship that is a constant part of my daily life & I realize he has always been there & brought the people I need in my life just as I need them. He had never walked away & if our relationship changes it's because he allows me the choice to go where I need to grow & find me, it always leads me back to him. My Heavenly Father.

If Father's Day is a tough day for you, I pray you find peace with your past to have the joy waiting for you today.

IX One Day At A Time

I feel so overwhelmed with joy this evening as I got to be a part of where my husbands recovery journey began.

I am so proud of him, I know he has over come much & it blesses my heart that we are on this journey together.

In day to day life we each take so much for granted, tonight reminded me of the simplicity of where we begin & how we must never forget our journey.

The people at Plummer street are amazing and so kind and loving. What a blessing! Feeling all kinds of Grateful & Gods never ending love and blessings.