Bondage of Self

We all have our crosses to bear. I know for me I have held myself in bondage to my past for most of my life. It recently hit me, all I thought I hid, God already knows & is ready to forgive me for, and has forgiven me for. Also the people, places & things I have done, I am making progress in my amends, & they know what I have done, so in reality, who am I hiding it from myself? That's not possible! It brings utter sadness & loneliness & bitterness to myself. However, I hold myself in bondage that it has held me in such a paralyzing depression I could not escape. 

Thankfully slowly but surely God is showing me if I confess my sons & turn from those ways (which I have already done) I can be free. 

I cannot change my childhood and the things that happened made me who I am. Never knowing stability it was hard to raise children with it, as I didn't know how. There are so many things in life others assume people know, the fact is if noone taught you, you don't know. 

I have learned that though many would classify my childhood as tragic, it could have been worse. God saved me from so much. I don't blame my parents because I know just as I have done my best and God isn't done with me, they did their best, & God isn't finished with 1 of them yet, God rest his soul for the other. I have learned from their mistakes .

I have learned that though I could have done a better job with my children, I didn't do as bad as I beat myself up for. In talking with them & them sharing their feelings, it wasn't as bad as I feel it was. Of course I would gladly do it with the knowledge I have today, however, I was 18, now 40, big difference. If I did it over none of us would be who we are. I'm proud of who they are, I'm learning to be proud of who I am.

I have learned that every friendship I have had in my life until recently is because people didn't let me go. I let them go because I thought that's what you did. Now I know, that's not the case. I am thankful for the few that never let me go. They taught me whether they realize it or not, I learned how to be a friend because of them. So I can be a better friend today to them and the ones God is Blessing me with. 

I have learned so much about Marriage and how important your mentality has everything to do with making it work. If someone messes up & in your mind its done, it's the beginning of the end. God can change that and 2 people willing to do whatever it takes to make it work with the help of others who have walked before them, showing them what God has called a marriage to be.

My life is in a shift right now. A shift you can't put a price tag on. A shift of what God has called me to be. Happy Joyous, Free. I am so grateful for the people on the journey with me, constantly and those that are no longer in my life. I am so grateful, God has always had it under control & has allowed me to find the answers I needed in the time I could handle them, not a moment before or a moment past could have been more precise. Gods timing is perfect. 

I am not rich or free from regret, I am not suddenly mentally just great. However, I am on the right path. One day at a time, with Gods Mercy & Grace, My Amazing Family & Wonderful Husband and the people God places perfectly in my life. 

Today I am Free and if I keep seeking The Lord I will one day be completely Free, that is my prayer. Money doesn't change your circumstances, learning to live in freedom does. The rest Gods working on in my life. Learning to not live in fear & regret, but in Gods Grace and in Faith.

Blessings ~