In the last couple weeks I have really taken a hard look at my choices and have seen a pattern in myself that I am not happy with.
Wouldn't you know that's what tonight's message at church spoke to me.
I believe I cried more at church tonight than I have cried in a very long time. It was more a sobbing cry than a trickling tears cry.
I look at my life and I see some of the same issues I had 16 years ago when my oldest was 5, now another child is 5 & going through some of the same things. I can see the pattern of walking with God and walking away from God.
If I try I suppose I can blame many people & circumstances, but the common denominator is me. Therefore I must look at myself. That saddens me deeply, yet it makes me humble to know I can change things if I know what the problem is.
I can see years of destruction brought on in my life because of my own self will run riot. I can blame my addiction. Or I can realize I had choices and instead of clinging to God, I was clinging to people. I have learned ALL people will fail me and only God is the sure steadfast that I can count on. When I walked away many years ago, I remember making a decision to do so, now years later that choice brought so much pain upon my children and my life. I cant go back & fix it, I can't continue to beat myself up., I can recognize it, admit it and make what I can right and move on.
The day I decided I wanted no God in my life I decided I would not change my mind, pretty bold move to make when in reality it was allot of hurt feelings and failures God had nothing to do with.
When I met my (now) husband and he was attending church I told him then I would not EVER go back, another pretty bold stubborn move. Well he accepted that and one day took Saedee to the park and wouldn't you know it, one of those church's were there! He came home excited & she was soo excited, he said since you won't go can I take her? I said okay, I remember my older 2 and their love for church and for God. I was still not talking to him. One day I realized if I wanted her to have what they had, I had to go. I went a few times, begrudgingly, a woman in their fellowship got my phone number and wouldn't you know it that woman called me like every week. I was beside myself, why would this woman call me when I hardly went? What did she want from me? Ha, she didn't want anything, to this day 3 years later she has never wanted anything but to be a messenger and though she never preached to me, her actions spoke volumes! Now years later there are a few of those women that just live there life for God and I just watch them, if I have learned one thing fro being in the program (& I have learned allot) it's if you want what they have you'll do what they do. So I have been, watching them, reaching out to them and learning from them.
I had a Sponsor once say to me, I can see you believe, but I don't see that you have faith, that woman taught me so much., that faith she said I didn't have, she was right., today I am learning how to walk in Faith. It's a slow process for me because Faith means to have trust and its hard for me to trust, I am a work in progress.
I am grateful for tonight. As usually I am the last one to say lets got to church, but I know I need to be as close as I can to the people I trust the most and they happen to be at church, whether they have time to talk or not, just to see them, brings a smile to my face. Tonight I needed hope so with Saedee sick & Mike with an injured back, I went to church on my own. I cried allot and I found peace just me, God praise music and teachings I felt were designed just for me. I suited up and I showed up and that what I get to do today, my Sponsor reminds me of that often.
So I think what happened tonight, I took my brokenness to the only one that can heal me in the only place I felt I could go and though I have rededicated my life back to God last September at Women of Faith, tonight I sat with God and he sat with me. I felt him closer than I had in years. It brought me to sobbing tears. I know the struggles we are facing today God already has handled and we are waiting on him and putting in the foot work. I am grateful.
Does that mean all my problems got fixed and life from here on out will be perfect? No, it means I have a God that never left me through childhood when life was tragic to adulthood to today. Whenever someone moves, it must be me because God is the same, yesterday today and will be tomorrow. Looking forward of picking up life on life's terms and seeking him and watching the wreckage slowly but surely fade into a memory.
I'm grateful for that church that I wanted no part of, I consider home. I am glad when I showed up with my arms closed and was not going to feel comfortable, kind people still said hello and still walked their walk. I'm not one to listen to what people say I watch what they do.
Feeling ready for what God has in store and I am grateful for a Husband that didn't give up on me.
